looking forward to tomorrow

[collwen]

It'll be a different day. And I'll be heading down to the Stronghold after work to visit for the night and recharge a little before meeting up with my mom and brother for more packing.

Need to remember to get boxes- we ran out while packing the kitchen and haven't gotten the dishes packed yet. Still have the dining room and the living room to do.

And I'm hoping not to get a phone call. Or at least if I do it's not bad news. My Aunt Joyce (my maternal uncle's wife) is on her way to a hospital in NYC (Mt. Sinai I think) and is high on the liver transplant list. Now, while I haven't been nearly as close to her as I was with my Aunt Glady, I still don't want to lose someone else in my family.

Between that and the feeling like I'm fighting that I'm just a fat, ugly, dumb, no-taste trailer-trash nobody makes me very interested in tomorrow getting here.

Comments

*sigh*

[gwenlianna.livejournal.com]

ok... you're not ugly, by any stretch of the imagination.

You're not dumb... (considering that the whole fashion advice thing stemmed from a recognition of all of your amazing potential.) Nor is there anything really wrong with your taste. My understanding was that the suggested changes were intended to help you to be taken more seriously at work, and to help you to feel more confident.

I'm pretty sure I'm actually fatter than you are, not something to be depressed about... something to keep working on, probably easier once you are done moving, and have maybe a little more time to devote to it. You seem to have the good food choices thing pretty well in mind, maybe more physical activity? (Like fencing????)


*hug* Hopefully your aunt will make a speedy and complete recovery.

Re: *sigh*

[collwen.livejournal.com]

Thanks. For both the well wishes and the comments.

On one level, I know I'm not that I'm not a "fat, ugly, dumb, no-taste trailer-trash nobody ". Hence why I said I was fighting the feeling.

I think it started with the fact that people feel that they have to take me under their wing to help with all of that (clothes, behaviors, presentation, etc.) in the first place started the mood. Then during the clothes shopping the fact that I was not fitting into things the way I wanted to reinforced it, and then feeling like I had to pass every thing I put on by someone else because I couldn't trust my own judgment didn't help.

Food choices have gone a bit astray (not as bad as it could be though), but I do need to move more. I just have to lose some weight to get into the fencing gear first before I feel comfortable in going back.

Re: *sigh*

[gwenlianna.livejournal.com]

Ok... from what I understand of the behavior things they want you to work on...

Confidence
Confidence
Confidence

By the way... the eye contact thing may help with that whole "12 year old" issue. I never realy thought about it before, but the shy, submissive, timid mannerisms may be part of why people have that reaction.

We have something workable as far as clothes now I guess... Perhaps it would have been less painfull if we had gone to Walmart or Target or something, and just picked one or 2 things there. (to give you an idea of what they had in mind.) I think one of the vital things to keep in mind is that what is good as far as personal style, and what is good for work are not always the same.

[purpura.livejournal.com]

You are none of the above. Anyone who tells you differently is beneath you.

[collwen.livejournal.com]

"Anyone who tells you differently is beneath you."
What if it's not someone else telling me that, but me telling myself?

[nounsandverbs]

We all do that, on occasion. Just remember it's a story you're telling yourself -- and you can always change the storyline.

For what it's worth, you are none of those things you mentioned.

[auntiero.livejournal.com]

I feel your pain, sweetie. We are our own worst critics and always will be. It's recognizing that (which you've done) and trusting our friends and loved ones enough when they tell us how marvelous, accomplished, pretty, smart, whatever we are.

*hugs*

You're going through a lot of upheaval right now. Just remember, this too shall pass.

Now remember to breathe. :)

[collwen.livejournal.com]

*breathe in*
*breathe out*

Yeah, it's a funk.

It's not so much trusting them, but accepting and internalizing the good things that your friends and loved ones and work associates tell you, and not letting the imagined/blown out of proportion negative things get in the way and run rampant in your head.

That's like, profound...

[purpura.livejournal.com]

You're above you're inner doubts.